I'd be lying if I told you... something different.

"Somebody turn the lights on,

Somebody tell me how long,

All this darkness will surround you,

'Cause I'm burning for you,

Burning like a candle."

-The White Tie Affair, Candle (Sick and Tired)

I'm so tired.

It's not just physical exhaustion. It's emotional. Mental. Spiritual.

I'm burning out. I hate burning out.

I seem to go through this quite often. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. But what use is there to wonder? I know what I'm doing wrong... Do I change it? No. Why not? Because despite what I like to lead others to believe, I'm actually an idiot. Yup, I admit it. I'm not the brightest crayon in the 100 pack Crayola box.

Sad right?

I want things that I probably should let alone. Maybe it's the product of reading too many stories with too much love and watching too many romantic comedies.

I'm sorry. I can't help it. I'm feeling just a little bit lonely.

Do you think that it's possible to miss someone you've never met? But one day you know you will meet, if you haven't already, (God willing)?

I miss someone. I keep dreaming about him. I've never met him. I don't know his name. I just know that I love him already and that one day I'm going to marry him.

But I'm growing so impatient.

I crave a kiss. Just a simple kiss.

But kisses aren't simple now, are they? No, they mean so much more to me than other people. And since when has anything ever been mearly simple when it comes to me?

But the desire haunts me. Traps me when I sleep.

And I wake, sad and depressed, because I don't have anyone to talk to about. I don't have anyone to put a strong arm around my shoulder and kiss my head. To hug me and smile, think that I look pretty. I don't have a reason to look pretty. No one important notices anyway.

What's the point?

Where is he?

Where are you? Because I'm waiting. Impatiently, maybe, but I'm waiting...

Sorry for the whining. I'm feeling... weird....

If I were a boy...

I've been having problems lately with those of the opposite gender. Those caveman like beings called males. Ugh. *Shudders*

For once I'd like to just go up to one and just tell their ear off.
Because I'm angry. With every single one of them.

I'm angry with the ones that are so achingly gorgeous that they think they can get anything they want, so the day that they don't their angry and insecure so they decide to try and seduce a poor fourteen year old girl into doing things she doesn't want to for the sake of their ego. I cannot stand those boys and quite frankly if one does happen to come on the trip to Fall Creek Falls this week like I hear he is he may not make it home in the same condition he left if I have my way.

Pray that I don't have my way. That wouldn't be good.

I'm angry with the lazy boys who don't do anything with their lives, but play video games, eat cold pizza, and watch endless marathons of Star Wars, the classics. Who don't bother to shut the toliet seat when their done or flush the commode. Who refuse to clean when asked and seem to be blind to mess. And THEN leave unexpectedly when told that if he didn't get his lazy monkeys butt up that he'd have to clean the bathroom, leaving me to clean the whole house BY MYSELF. Or face the wrath of the man we call Father.

Ugh. Men.

Like Hannah Montana says, "You guys aren't good for anything except changing tires... and coming downstairs with a bat when we think we hear something."

Driver licence-less blues

I've found that I tend to blog more often when I have nothing to say, rather than when I do.

Why?

I have no idea. Boredom brings out better writing than an eventful day does I suppose. Sucks though because since I only tell about when I don't have anything going on all you guys think that I don't actually have one. Which I do. Sort of.

Its so funny how I blog like I have more than two people who only sometimes read it.

Call it optimism, call it being delusional. I don't care.


So I'm skipping out on church tonight.
Both of the parental units are out of town and it would be too much work to try and figure out a way to get there. Seeing as I'm about to be seventeen and don't even have my drivers permit, that could pose a problem.
Don't judge me. I have a busy mother who won't take me and... Ya, know what? I'm not going to explain myself. Judge me if you want to! I don't care...

Okay, maybe I do. Please don't think I'm a loser.
Because I'm not.
Much anyway.

ANYWAY. Back to church. I swear I think I have the attention span of a two year old.

I'm sad that I'm not going tonight and then again I'm not. Because going would mean I would have to make more decisions that I would like to make.
Like, 1) which church am I going to? Smyrna or Beaver?
2) what the heck am I going to wear?
3) Do I even like myself enough today to shower, much less waste makeup, shampoo and energy on the smidgen of a chance that someone may talk to me?
4) Do I want to chance social rejection by no one talking to me?
5) How am I getting there and how am I getting home?

See what I mean, too many decisions, too much stress... I'm skipping tonight. Call me a sinner or a pagan or whatever, but you try to be in my driver licence-less predicament and see how you turn out.

I've done nothing all day.
Since the parents are gone I spent the night with my grandma last night with my eight year old sister and have been here all day. I'm tired from sitting here doing nothing and need to do something productive. Like clean something... Shower maybe.
We're going home soon though so that makes me happy.

If I had my licence this would all be different.

Darn my procrastinating and lazy nature!

Whats the BIG deal?

I'm sitting in my aunt's bedroom while she's all the way across the world in Japan chewing my finger nails so short that they hurt and contemplating what the heck is the BIG deal? About everything. About nothing. What's our obsession with big things? Why do we always follow the moto "bigger is better"? Except when it comes to fat people of course. Now when that stupid idea would have been helpful to me is when theres an exception to the rule. I am that exception to that particular rule.
Sad day.
I'm just wondering, dear world of bloggers, why do we have to always pursue the "big fish" in the world and chase the "big dreams", why can't we be satisfied and contented with smaller things? Happy with stuff that may not seem important, but actually has more value than all of the big ole electronic crap we buy put together.
I prose a challenge to you guys and to myself.
Learn to be happy with what you have and take joy in the small things. A cool breeze on a hot summer day. A picnic in the park. A beautiful sunset. A particularly brillant quote. A touching word of advice from a friend.
If we learn to love what we have then I'm pretty sure that what we have will become more loveable. And we, people, will be happier.
Thats what I'm saying... I don't know why, but I'm saying it.


J.

Sweet Sleep

Four letter word just to get me along

It's a difficulty and I'm biting on my tongue and

I keep stalling, keeping me together

People around gotta find something to say now

Holding back, everyday the same

Don't wanna be a loner

Listen to me, oh no

I never say anything at all

-That's Not My Name, The Ting Tings

It's just so stupid.

So, so retarded. And I am so tired.

I want to go to my room and pull the covers over my head and just sleep forever. And ever. And ever.

People expect things from me. They expect me to smile and nod my head, agree to whatever they said. And that's because I do. Normally. I nod and smile while inside I'm screaming "HECK TO THE NO!"

I just don't have the energy for that though. And it seems that everyone see's it. See's my lack of a will to fight. I just want to sleep. Why can't I just lay down and sleep?

I am emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. I need to rest my emotions and not feel anything. I need to sleep for days and revive my body. And I need to relax in the arms of Jesus and lose myself in His words.

All of those needs seem too far fetched though and I don't know when I'll have the time to do any of it.

Stomach With The Churning? Is This Necessary?

I've been roaming around

I was looking down at all I see

Painting faces, building places I can't reach

You know that I could use somebody

You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you

-Kings Of Leon, Use Somebody

Another great song that's been stuck in my head.

So anyway.... Yo.

Once again I feel sick to my stomach.

I think that I was misunderstood and now I'm going to have to.. I don't know. Talk to people about this and clearify. And I'm afraid that if I do I may cry. Just because when I tried to clearify with my mother I started to. Sigh. Weird I know, but that's the way I am. I get upset and the waterworks start.

But from the sound of it, they will be doing the talking and I'll have to listen. Not what needs to be done, mind you. I need to be the one yacking their ear off and them listening. But of course if I do that I may get upset with the secret revealing and start to cry. Ugh. So not what I'd like to happen. Why can't we all ignore it and let it go?

Because you've never been good at ignoring anything, you dimwit. Durh. And ignored problems never get resolved.

But... but what if they guilt me into doing something? I know that they won't do it on purpose, but I'm pretty sure that they will somehow. I'm a very pathetic person and fairly nearly incapable of saying no. Letting people down is not my forte. But I HAVE to do this. How do I get this across? How?! I'm losing my mind here. Losing it I tell you.

And it's making me positively sick to my stomach.

Craappppp.

I kinda just feel like crying, I'm not going to lie. I want to lay in the floor and pitch a classic two year old temper tantrum. Because I don't feel like being responsible and grown up. But I will be. I know I will be. And that makes me so mad. Why can't I act out on an immature note and just shrug it off and be like, "heck to the no"? Why?! It would be sooo much easier. Being the good reliable one sucks sometimes.

Ugghh.

That one non-word sums up absolutely everything right now. UGGHH.

J.

Burning Back The Sun and Trying to Stifle Fears

Burn back the sun,

Bring back the fire wands,

Blazing inside this heart-o-cage,

Burn back the sun,

You were the only one,

To love me with passion's quiet rage.

-Burn Back The Sun, Decyfer Down

That song has been stuck in my head all day long.

Along with the song that's been playing on loop in my head all day theres been an unsettling feeling of intense unease. A restlessness that I can't explain. A pain in my gut. A fear in my heart.

Dear God, what am I doing? Why do I always mess these things up?

I didn't want to hurt them. I don't want to hurt them. But this is what I have to do. Why are people upset with me when I do what I feel You're telling me to do? I feel called somewhere else, I'm not being fed like I need to. I come away exhausted, moody and spent. That's not the way I'm supposed to feel. So why is it that I feel like it's betrayel to them that I'm leaving? It's not personal, it's just spiritual.

There's just nothing for me... It's not about the lack of friends or (despite what SO many so wrongly think) about the boys. Its about my relationship with You. How can I sucessfully learn more about You when I don't feel like I'm growing where I'm at? I can't, that's just the problem. I've tried. I've tried to talk to them about my problem I'd been having. This past year has been one of my most miserable because of our seperation. But they didn't listen to me. They brushed it off. They were no help. They didn't listen to my plea... And that hurt.

And I made my way back without their help, without our group. I found my way back home to You and I'd learned some things on my little journey...

Nobody is perfect and they will let you down.

But this didn't erase my hurt.

They were supposed to have listened to me. They were supposed to try to help... But they didn't. They just ignored it. Brushed it off like it was nothing... And I won't lie and say I'm not dealing with a bit of bitterness over that.

But that's not the only reason I'm leaving. I'm not leaving because there isn't anyone there anymore, that's just shallow. I'm not leaving because I had my feelings hurt and don't feel like forgiving someone, because that's nots right. I'm leaving because I feel like God has called me somewhere else. That's it, simply put. It has nothing to do with them, really. It's all about me and God. And that's really what matters.

But unfortunately that isn't taking away the unease I feel. I'm too soft hearted, I'm told. Too worried about other peoples feelings. I wish that they could really understand it and I'm sorry that they're sad. I'm sorry that I've hurt their feelings. I'm sorry that now the Youth Group consists of only people under the age of thirteen. But I have to do what God is telling me to do. There really isn't another option.

Do what God tells me to do, or be miserable.

Those are my options and I'm absolutely exhausted with being miserable.

________________________

That's only one part of my restlessness. You're thinking, "Jeeze, you've got more?"

Yes, sadly.

And this is the main reason why I want to throw up my guts.

I realized last night how terrified I am of love. Falling in it, falling out, just the entire concept in general. It petrifies me. Why? Because love means giving someone the power to hurt you.

And I'm not saying that I've fallen in love, because Lord knows that I haven't. But I'm so afraid of it, I realized that I'm also afraid of simply just liking somebody. Er, liking somebody despite whether or not I want to. Because then I have no control.

I apparently have a HUGAMANORMOUS need for control.

So big that the thought of liking someone when I have no control in the matter makes me so scared that I seriously feel like throwing up breakfast all over the floor. Not a pretty sight, let me tell you.

Because right now, I have ZERO control.

If it were up to me, I wouldn't see his face in my head every five seconds. I wouldn't have his name pop up in my mind when something reminds me of him. I wouldn't get butterflies. And my heart wouldn't jump up into my throat when I saw him.

But no matter how much I try, those aren't going away right now.

My control over my heart is gone and it scares me.