Burning Back The Sun and Trying to Stifle Fears

Burn back the sun,

Bring back the fire wands,

Blazing inside this heart-o-cage,

Burn back the sun,

You were the only one,

To love me with passion's quiet rage.

-Burn Back The Sun, Decyfer Down

That song has been stuck in my head all day long.

Along with the song that's been playing on loop in my head all day theres been an unsettling feeling of intense unease. A restlessness that I can't explain. A pain in my gut. A fear in my heart.

Dear God, what am I doing? Why do I always mess these things up?

I didn't want to hurt them. I don't want to hurt them. But this is what I have to do. Why are people upset with me when I do what I feel You're telling me to do? I feel called somewhere else, I'm not being fed like I need to. I come away exhausted, moody and spent. That's not the way I'm supposed to feel. So why is it that I feel like it's betrayel to them that I'm leaving? It's not personal, it's just spiritual.

There's just nothing for me... It's not about the lack of friends or (despite what SO many so wrongly think) about the boys. Its about my relationship with You. How can I sucessfully learn more about You when I don't feel like I'm growing where I'm at? I can't, that's just the problem. I've tried. I've tried to talk to them about my problem I'd been having. This past year has been one of my most miserable because of our seperation. But they didn't listen to me. They brushed it off. They were no help. They didn't listen to my plea... And that hurt.

And I made my way back without their help, without our group. I found my way back home to You and I'd learned some things on my little journey...

Nobody is perfect and they will let you down.

But this didn't erase my hurt.

They were supposed to have listened to me. They were supposed to try to help... But they didn't. They just ignored it. Brushed it off like it was nothing... And I won't lie and say I'm not dealing with a bit of bitterness over that.

But that's not the only reason I'm leaving. I'm not leaving because there isn't anyone there anymore, that's just shallow. I'm not leaving because I had my feelings hurt and don't feel like forgiving someone, because that's nots right. I'm leaving because I feel like God has called me somewhere else. That's it, simply put. It has nothing to do with them, really. It's all about me and God. And that's really what matters.

But unfortunately that isn't taking away the unease I feel. I'm too soft hearted, I'm told. Too worried about other peoples feelings. I wish that they could really understand it and I'm sorry that they're sad. I'm sorry that I've hurt their feelings. I'm sorry that now the Youth Group consists of only people under the age of thirteen. But I have to do what God is telling me to do. There really isn't another option.

Do what God tells me to do, or be miserable.

Those are my options and I'm absolutely exhausted with being miserable.

________________________

That's only one part of my restlessness. You're thinking, "Jeeze, you've got more?"

Yes, sadly.

And this is the main reason why I want to throw up my guts.

I realized last night how terrified I am of love. Falling in it, falling out, just the entire concept in general. It petrifies me. Why? Because love means giving someone the power to hurt you.

And I'm not saying that I've fallen in love, because Lord knows that I haven't. But I'm so afraid of it, I realized that I'm also afraid of simply just liking somebody. Er, liking somebody despite whether or not I want to. Because then I have no control.

I apparently have a HUGAMANORMOUS need for control.

So big that the thought of liking someone when I have no control in the matter makes me so scared that I seriously feel like throwing up breakfast all over the floor. Not a pretty sight, let me tell you.

Because right now, I have ZERO control.

If it were up to me, I wouldn't see his face in my head every five seconds. I wouldn't have his name pop up in my mind when something reminds me of him. I wouldn't get butterflies. And my heart wouldn't jump up into my throat when I saw him.

But no matter how much I try, those aren't going away right now.

My control over my heart is gone and it scares me.